The GOP Primaries, Where Everyone Is A Secret Dem And Empathy Is Communism
A field guide to paranoia, projection, and primary season in Texas.
I thought we could all use a good pick-me-up, at least those of us with strong stomachs. It’s time for my favorite part of the primary season, “Let’s check in on the other side, and see what they’re doing.”
Meet Lisa McEntire (R), candidate for HD64, who made this video after receiving a $50,000 donation from Texans for Lawsuit Reform (TLR) PAC:
Of course, I don’t know why we’re shaming Republicans for taking TLR PAC money when there are several Democratic recipients of their cash this year. Including:
Claudia Ordaz Pérez (D) - $10,000
Liz Campos (D) - $10,000
Josey Garcia (D) - $10,000
Philip Cortez (D) - $10,000
Richard Raymond (D) - $10,000
Vince Pérez (D) - $10,000
Chuy Hinojosa (D) - $5,000
It’s important to remember that cartoon villain billionaires like Dick Weekley, Elon Musk, and Harlan Crow fund this PAC. So, when the 2027 legislative session comes around, and these Democrats are voting with Republicans on billionaire handouts, you’ll know why. Some of these Democrats have primary challengers.
But today we’re talking about Republicans.
Alleged Republicans, secret Democrats. RINOS?
The theme of this year’s Republican Primary election is, “Everyone is a secret Democrat.” I’m not kidding. From a random boomer Facebook page:
According to Marc Lahood’s (R-HD121) GOP opponent, Lahood is a secret Democrat:
Lahood, like all the Republicans in the Texas House, is so far right that he thinks empathy is a communist plot.
One of the candidates for HD01 is apparently a secret Democrat:
And Republican activist Tom Glass, running against Stan “Confederate Stan” Gerdes (R-HD17), is also calling him a secret Democratic agent:
The guy running for HD91 against David Lowe? Secret Democrat!
And Republicans aren’t just relying on ads to tell their voters their opponents are all “secret Democrats,” they’re also getting Tim Dunn’s mouthpiece to do some of that lifting:
Have the Republicans completely lost it? Are they all stupid?
This is what happens when you perpetually “other” people. Policy doesn’t matter at all. Just have to prove the other guy isn’t “one of us.”
What happened to plain, old-fashioned Republican racism?
There’s still plenty of that to go around. Take Charles Schwertner (R-SD05), who was arrested last legislative session during a DUI with his mistress in his vehicle. He thinks he’s an expert on “Western values,” whatever the hell that means.
And Bo French, who says he’ll make Oil & Gas “all white” again, of course, by using Southern Strategy slang.
And let’s not forget the most looniest of them all, Valentina Gomez, who wants to murder brown immigrants to keep her 15 minutes of fame lasting a little bit longer. She’s powered by Jesus Christ.
This one I thought was kind of funny, from Jeff Leach’s (R-HD67) opponent, who attacked him for making sure schools didn’t break discrimination laws by teaming up with James Talarico on a bill. And in the clip, Lucas Macias called Talarico the most radical Marxist Democrat in the Texas House.
Then there’s the downright bizarre.
Congressional candidate Lauren Pena is proposing that drug dealers should get a one-time pass, for the first time they get caught.
Billionaire Mayes Middleton is now calling himself “Maga Mayes Middleton” and saying none of his other opponents support Trump.
State House candidate Jackie Schlagel actually put on an ad that she was forced to vaccinate her child, and her kid got a vaccine injury.
I’ll take things that never happened for $200, Alex.
Meanwhile, we’re supposed to believe that this is the voice of an “alpha male?”
My fellow Irish-Americans understand, we know a Leprechaun when we hear one.
There is no ideology here anymore.
There is no governing philosophy. There isn’t even a shared lie they’re pretending to believe in together. There is only accusation, performance, and the desperate need to prove you’re not the wrong kind of Republican.
Everyone is a secret Democrat. Everyone is a Marxist. Everyone is a traitor. Empathy is treason. Laws are optional. Reality is vibes-based. Jesus is a brand ambassador. Billionaires write the checks. The base eats the slop. Rinse. Repeat.
This isn’t a party arguing about policy. It’s a circular firing squad where the only crime is insufficient cruelty, and the only defense is shouting “communist” louder than the next guy.
So yes, enjoy the videos. Laugh where you can. Gawk if you need to. But don’t confuse this circus with harmless entertainment. These are the people writing Texas law. These are the people deciding who gets rights, who gets punished, and who gets erased.
And if they all look unhinged, paranoid, and deeply unserious, that’s not a coincidence.
That’s the system working exactly as designed.
February 2, 2026: Last Day to Register to Vote
February 17, 2026: First Day to Early Vote
March 3, 2026: Primary Election
Click here to find out what Legislative districts you’re in.
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I usually won't watch videos because they wear me out, but I watched a snippet of a few of these and I'm just flat worn down to a nub (as my father-in-law from East TX used to say). It all sounds like a bunch of gibberish to me. They are speaking in a code derived from being online too much. Texas Democrats in the general election need to highlight the fact that most of what these R's are talking about has no connection to their roads, their schools, their grid or their water. Instead, as they blather on about this stuff, they are taking billionaires' money and selling Texans out.
First, Led Zeppelin should sue crazy Valentina's ass. Second, Mayes Middleton (jawless wonder) will soon learn that adding "maga" to his name will be a HUGE liability. Third, Jackie Schlegel is opposed to "forced vaccinations" (whatever that is), but you can bet she is in favor of forced sterilization of minorities.